Why Can’t I Feel Calm - Even When Nothing Is Actually Wrong?
- monicaguha7
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
I hear this often from the women I speak to. But this was also my own experience not too long ago.
“Nothing is actually wrong… so why do I feel like this?”
The kids are okay. The bills are paid. Life is ticking along.
And yet your body feels tight. Your mind won’t switch off. You snap more quickly than you want to. You lie awake replaying conversations that don’t matter. Your mind bringing up memories of things you got wrong, for no real reason. That inner critic on 'loud'.
Then comes the second layer:
Why can’t I just chill out?
Why does this feel harder for me than it seems to for other people?
If this is you, I want to say something gently:
You are not failing.
And you are not alone.
Calm Is Not Something You Can Force
Most of us were taught that if we’re anxious or overwhelmed, we just need to think differently.
Be more grateful. Be more positive. Stop overthinking.
But our bodies don’t work like that.
Our nervous systems are constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger. Not in a dramatic way, often in very subtle ways. Getting activated through:
Busy seasons.
Constant demands.
Holding everything together.
Being the steady one for everyone else.
Even when life looks stable on the outside, your system can still be bracing.
And if you’ve been bracing for a long time, calm can feel unfamiliar.
High-Functioning Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Carrying a Lot
So many of the women I speak with are incredibly capable.
They show up for their families. They show up for work. They show up for their communities.
But inside, they feel like they’re running on fumes. Time passing by so quickly, you question, am I really enjoying this life?
This doesn’t mean you’re weak. It often means your body has been holding more than it has had space to process.
When we live in low-grade stress for long enough, the body keeps the engine idling - just in case. But that constant edge can become normal.
Why Rest Can Feel Uncomfortable
For some of us, this goes back further than we realise.
Maybe you grew up in a home where slowing down was seen as lazy. Maybe productivity was praised more than presence. Maybe being useful felt safer than being still.
Sometimes these messages were spoken. Sometimes they were modelled.
Over time, your nervous system can learn that:
Being busy = being valued.
Resting = being unproductive.
Slowing down = something is wrong.
Most of this lives below conscious awareness. You may not be able to recall a specific memory. And yet your body carries the imprint.
So when you finally sit down with nothing urgent to do, instead of feeling calm… you feel uneasy.
You reach for your phone. You start another task. You fill the space.
Not because you don’t want rest, but because stillness feels unfamiliar.
Sometimes this is simply a nervous system that has spent too long in survival mode.
And often, those old beliefs are what keep it there.
You’re Not “Too Sensitive”
When you understand what’s happening in your nervous system, something shifts.
Instead of:“I should be coping better.”“Other mums seem fine.”“Why can’t I just relax?”
It becomes:“My system is tired.”“I’ve been holding a lot.”“This actually makes sense.”
From there, the path forward isn’t about pushing harder.
It’s about gently building safety back into the body.
Learning to notice sensation. Creating moments of settling. Allowing your system to experience that it doesn’t need to stay on guard.
Many of us are juggling work, parenting, relationships, community commitments, and the invisible emotional load that comes with it all. So, if you find yourself feeling on edge even when nothing is technically wrong, it doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with you. It may simply mean your nervous system hasn’t had the chance to fully exhale.
And that’s something that can be understood. Supported. Shifted.
You deserve to feel steady in your own life.
Not because you should.
But because it’s possible.
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