“Why Can’t I Calm Down?" The real reason why you can’t seem to get out of survival mode.

You’ve tried breathwork, meditation, positive thinking… but your body still feels wired - your heart still races, your chest feels tight, and your mind won’t stop spiralling. You’ve read the enlightened self-help books and know what you ‘should’ be doing but the constant self-analysis has you overthinking and in spirals which leave you wondering what’s ‘wrong with me?’

Here’s the truth: nothing is wrong with you.

Your body is doing exactly what it was designed to do — it’s keeping you safe. The problem isn’t that you’re failing to calm down; it’s that your nervous system is stuck in what is known as ‘survival mode’.

It’s not failure — it’s biology. It’s nature.

For a very long time I was stuck there too. Wondering how others seemed to have it all together. Why didn’t they seem to be fighting the same self-doubt, constant self-criticism, the second-guessing? Why did I have to work so hard to keep myself calm? Easily triggered into frustration or irritation. Feeling like I was always making the wrong choices for myself and berating myself afterwards.

I had regular headaches and muscle tension. Morning anxiety, anxiety before work (shift work) or if I was just sitting watching tv was my norm. My mind would wander back over conversations or actions from days, weeks, even years ago—needlessly ruminating on things I’d said or done, wishing I had acted differently, wishing I was different, wishing I wasn’t so “insert negative label here”. I believed that if I just went over it enough I might find some acceptance of what I had done, some validation. But I rarely did, and even if I did, the feeling that ‘I had done something wrong and should have done better’ stayed heavy in my chest, keeping me in this loop of trying figuring out what I had done wrong and trying to get myself out of it. 

It wasn’t until much later that I learnt what was going on…

Your Nervous System: The Body’s Security Guard

Think of your nervous system as a security guard that never sleeps. It’s constantly scanning your world, asking: “Am I safe? Or am I in danger?”. It does this because its job is to keep you safe under any circumstances. 

When it senses threat — whether that’s a stressful email, an argument, or even an old memory stored in the body — your system flips into fight, flight, or freeze. This is automatic.

You don’t choose it, and you can’t “think” your way out of it.

That’s why simply telling yourself to “relax” often doesn’t work. Your body is the one holding the alarm, not your mind.

Of course I had moments of sheer joy, fun, and pleasure. I had good friends, shared good times, and did my best to stay healthy—regular gym sessions, yoga, long walks, and as I got older, healthier choices with food. But beneath it all I found it hard to relax. I had to be always ‘doing’ something, which at the time I just thought it was just who I was and it appeared that those around me were quite the same way - active, energetic, burning candles, busy. I didn’t really mind so I didn’t think it was a problem. It was only later that I realised that this was my attempt at quieting my very active and loud mind. 

I somehow pushed myself to do the things that were uncomfortable—going for the job, completing the Master’s, finishing the research project, showing up and being good at my work. But beneath the achievements, it all felt like a lot of hard work. Everything seemed harder than it should be. I ‘just’ managed to do it all. Everything felt stressful. And I was exhausted from the constant effort of trying to find my way back to calm—and it only reinforced the feeling that something must be wrong with me.

Why Calming Strategies Don’t Always Stick

You might have noticed that sometimes calming tools seem to work for a moment — but then the tension rushes back. That’s because the nervous system hasn’t yet learned that it’s safe.

It’s like trying to convince a vigilant guard dog with words alone: the reassurance doesn’t land until the dog actually feels that no danger is present.

And it seemed my nervous system was showing me just that. At 35 years old, I began to feel the edges of what I recognised as a panic attack. I never experienced a full-blown one, but I became aware of a wave of overwhelm coupled with a sense of paralysis. My breath would shorten, my heart would race, and yet I found myself quietly surprised by it—curious, like “Oh, what’s going on here then?” . That curiosity helped me stay present with the sensations rather than spiralling into more panic, and kept me hovering at the edge of ‘freeze,’ never tipping fully into fight or flight.

But I wasn’t going to wait around for that. Anxiety was something I thought I just had to “manage better,” but panic attacks? Absolutely not. Not for me. I was a mental health nurse, after all—I knew enough to recognise that if I didn’t seek help, it would only get worse. The question was, from where?

My years working in mental health had already shown me what I didn’t want: a purely clinical approach of medication or standard psychological treatment. I’m not against these—both have helped many people and can be absolutely necessary. I just knew, deep down, that they weren’t right for me. What I needed was something deeper, something that reached the root of the issue—not another short-term reassurance. I had already been working so hard, had tried so many things. I needed more.

When Trauma Isn’t What You Think It Is

The first thing I learnt when I began working on my anxiety and overwhelm was that my struggles were deeply rooted in the past—specifically, in my childhood. Yet I would never have described my childhood as "traumatic” back then. I had no idea that certain events or experiences in my childhood could fall under that word. It was only when I began to see the impact those childhood experiences had left in me—the heaviness still stored in my body—that I could finally understand it that way.

The problem is that the word trauma is used so much - it has become so loaded, so misconstrued, we’ve never fully grasped its true meaning. Gabor Maté says, “Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” And even then, we often miss that while the big “T” experiences can have a tremendous impact on our inner world, the smaller moments—what therapists call “small t” traumas—or even the experiences we dismiss as “just the way things were” can profoundly shape our nervous system, the way we see the world, and the way we see ourselves in it.

As I journeyed more into this field of trauma —discovering deeper, more profound understandings of myself than I had ever known—I began to understand what was actually driving my panic attacks. My symptoms weren’t there to be pushed down or eliminated; they were there to be listened to. My nervous system was trying to tell me something. And the timing couldn’t have been more important as later that year I conceived my daughter and the journey of releasing old memories, stories and beliefs that no longer served me and were silently driving my life had to start. I needed to do this work, not only for myself but to prevent passing those burdens down my child.

Your Body Is Not the Enemy

This is important: your body isn’t sabotaging you. It’s protecting you in the only way it knows how. The hyper-alertness, the racing thoughts, the tight chest - the addiction — these are your body’s survival strategies.

This is a pivotal key to understanding ourselves.

When you shift the perspective from “my body is broken” to “my body is trying to keep me alive,” you open the door to compassion. And compassion is the foundation of healing.

Gentle Ways to Reset the System

Instead of forcing yourself to “calm down,” try practices that send signals of safety to the nervous system:

• Orienting: Slowly look around the room. Let your eyes rest on different colours, textures, or shapes. This tells your body: “I’m here, I’m safe.”

• Grounding: Press your feet firmly into the floor. Feel the weight of your body supported.

• Breath with release: Instead of forcing deep breaths, try a gentle exhale that’s just a little longer than your inhale. This naturally activates the calming branch of your nervous system.

• Soothing touch: Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Feel the warmth of your own presence.

  
  

These are small steps, but over time, they teach your nervous system what safety feels like.

You’re Not Broken — You’re Holding Too Much

If you can’t calm down, it’s not because you’re weak or failing. It’s because your body is carrying too much, too often, without enough moments of release and safety.

The good news? Your nervous system can learn. With the right support and practices, it can shift from survival back into connection, balance, and calm.

Nervous system regulation practices can be a powerful support in this process—but what creates lasting change is going deeper. The heart of my work is helping you gently unburden the nervous system of the memories, stories, and beliefs that keep it locked in survival mode. This is the work of Somatic Psychotherapy: not just managing symptoms, but releasing what the body has been carrying so you can live with more ease, presence, and freedom.

Within just a few months of working with what was stored in my body, my panic attacks stopped, and the constant overwhelm that had followed me for years simply dissolved. What astonished me most was that this happened without any medication or supplements—and that same heavy, consuming overwhelm has never returned, even now, six years later.

Of course, the journey hasn’t ended there. Healing isn’t a one-time event but an ongoing unfolding. I continue to meet and work with the deeper layers within me—not because there is anything ‘wrong’ with me, but because I’m committed to sustaining myself as an effective therapist, and continually expanding into the truth of who I am.

This journey of returning to myself is not something I “complete.” 

It’s a path I keep walking-each time with more presence, each time revealing a little more of what this life is truly about. And so far, it’s revealing itself to be magical enough to keep me going…and share what I’ve learnt with you ✨

“If you’re tired of ‘trying harder’ and want to finally work with your nervous system, download my free ebook Body Wisdom: Understanding the Intelligence Beyond the Mind  it will guide you deeper into how the nervous system works and how to begin gently resetting it.

✨ Or, if you’re ready for a more supported journey, explore my mentorship program—where we work together to release stress and trauma from the body and reconnect you with your innate wisdom.